In a stunning admission by the executives at Fast Food Giant McDonalds, the company has admitted that the long time menu favorite "Chicken McNuggets" are more accurately the pulverized and deep fried testicles of Gophers. The statement was released late Friday, presumably to avoid the stock price hit, but reaction has been strong and swift.
"I have been eating McNuggets since I was 10 and I always assumed they were actually chicken, or at least pigeon or baby ducks, but Gopher meat?" asked longtime McDonalds customer Gordon Zonk outside one of their Detroit locations. "I suppose they only good that can come of this is that maybe now they will put McNuggets on the Dollar Menu? That would be cool."
Other reactions were far more severe.
"Are you kidding me? F**king Gopher nuts in McNuggets? They have some balls-no pun intended-these McDonalds idiots. I mean, I was OK with the rat feces in the burgers and the Pink Slime was interesting at least but I can't deal with Gopher balls man. In fact the other day I had a 20 piece and I swear I swallowed a short coarse hair but I figured it was just from one of the employees privates, not a giant rodent!" said customer Lyndon Pilper.
Suspicion had been raised recently when a Gopher sucking truck was spotted pulling into a McDonalds warehouse in Iowa shortly after vacuuming over 300 of the furry little critters out of the local Landscape. Resident Donald Wellbuns watched it all unfold and then called the Gossip site TMZ.
"I knew something aint right. I mean, them Gopher sucking trucks usually head stright to the Asian restaurants and not a fine foods establishment like McDonalds. I take my wife to get a Big Mac and Coke every Friday for Date Night and now I suppose I'm gonna have to be re thinking that arrangement cause I can't have her eating rodent gonads. Hell, she's afraid of mine, she sure as shit aint gonna put those one in her mouth. Heh heh hehhh," Mr. Wellbuns said.
TMZ and other media outlets sent reporters to McDonalds headquarters immediately to question the company about the practice but the reporters were held back by a large security force made up of Fry Guys, The Hamburglar and Grimace who was seen actually devouring human beings. The company released the admission about the Gopher testicles later that evening after intense pressure from the FDA and Ralph Nader. Some competitors in the industry were actually sympathetic in some ways.
"In the fast food industry we have a duty to serve our customers the most unhealthy, unidentified food for a good price that we can. So anytime one of the "Big 3" admits to a secret ingredient and it becomes public we all lose. Pretty soon the average consumer is going to realize that they could make what we serve at home simply by throwing some dirt, a muskrat and a little salt in a blender so we really need to be better about protecting our trade secrets." said an anonymous Burger King executive.
No word on whether McDonalds will change the McNuggets recipe, but word has emerged that a new dipping sauce, "Zesty Lemon Magic" has been released which compliments the Gopher gonads wonderfully.
-Darren Mump, NewsBELLY
New York, New York -
In a stunning interview in lower Manhattan Friday, a wealthy Investment Banker who agreed to only speak anonymously said that approximately 17 people really know how the Stock Market works, and only a few more even know what it is. This statement was made just moments after a massive Friday rally.
"When I turned thirteen my father bought me a new Bentley, and before he'd let me take it to the Yacht Club to pick up my girlfriend Mindy Sue, he insisted I listen to him about something very important," the anonymous banker stated. "He leaned over and whispered in my ear for about five minutes and the things he told me were shocking and amazing. It almost sounded like people were going to just buy things that didn't really exist and some computer was going to make up some numbers and because of that we were always going to be rich."
It's widely known that very few people ever make money in the stock market and that most purchases of companies other than Wal-Mart, IBM, Apple, Google or KY Lubricants actually are simply funneling money to offshore accounts for wealthy people.
"Of course I asked my father if the people buying these "shares" he called them would also be rich and he just spit out his Tom Collins and mussed up my hair, laughing wildly. He said less than twenty people actually knew how all this stuff worked and that I was never allowed to tell anyone and as I got older I would be contacted by 'certain people' so I can share in the same success he had known his whole life," the Banker added.
We attempted to speak to a number of men in suits emerging from the NYSE and most wouldn't talk to us. However, new Goldman Sachs employee Barry Doobin pulled us aside and had this to say: "Listen, no one really knows what goes on inside the Stock Exchanges. Most of us think it's got something to do with angry white guys screaming and using a lot of paper and that it might involve human slavery, but the fact is that the World Financial System would crumble if they didn't see us input these numbers and make those Indexes move. Plus Warren Buffet just put in Salad Bars in the NYSE and Nasdaq and the croutons are fucking out of control good."
Our crack IT staff attempted to infiltrate the NYSE and Nasdaq exchanges but were met with intense security and firewalling. After 4 minutes the Password of "richguys2013" was discovered and we began to navigate the system. We found that the software was actually set up with primitive algorithms that were activated by user scores achieved on Bejeweled Blitz and Words With Friends. In just a few short minutes our IT staff were able to boost the stock price of American Airlines to $93,000 just by using all our their tiles on a Triple Word Score.
"The Stock Market? It's like, old guys buying crops and gold and shit right?" asked Gordon Wemp, a passerby on Wall St. "I have this 401K thing at work and I know K stands for potassium so I think I have money going into that, to like, buy minerals and what not. Then maybe I cash it in when I'm old and sell to those stock market guys I guess, right?"
We were unable to get the anonymous banker or any of the Stock market employees to give us the names of the "elite 17" but our IT staff were able to extract 5 names before the Exchange servers crashed during a game a game of Candy Crush Saga: Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Cuban, Donald Trump and Wilford Brimley.
"No one knows what the fuck the Stock Market is man, just leave it alone. You're asking all the wrong questions anyway...it's not 'what is the stock market and how do I make money at it', the question you should be asking is 'Why do we even have to pay for anything, man, ya know? I mean, the Government owns all this stuff right so like, why don't our taxes just pay for that shit? I paid $583 in taxes last year, I should at least get an iPhone right? Or a Jet Ski?"
NewsBelly will continue to research this story, and in the SEC requires us to tell you that at the close of business Friday, NewsBelly, Inc.shares were trading at $627,389 a share.
-Franklin Whopp, NewsBELLY
