New York, New York - In a stunning interview in lower Manhattan Friday, a wealthy Investment Banker who agreed to only speak anonymously said that approximately 17 people really know how the Stock Market works, and only a few more even know what it is. This statement was made just moments after a massive Friday rally.
"When I turned thirteen my father bought me a new Bentley, and before he'd let me take it to the Yacht Club to pick up my girlfriend Mindy Sue, he insisted I listen to him about something very important," the anonymous banker stated. "He leaned over and whispered in my ear for about five minutes and the things he told me were shocking and amazing. It almost sounded like people were going to just buy things that didn't really exist and some computer was going to make up some numbers and because of that we were always going to be rich."
It's widely known that very few people ever make money in the stock market and that most purchases of companies other than Wal-Mart, IBM, Apple, Google or KY Lubricants actually are simply funneling money to offshore accounts for wealthy people.
"Of course I asked my father if the people buying these "shares" he called them would also be rich and he just spit out his Tom Collins and mussed up my hair, laughing wildly. He said less than twenty people actually knew how all this stuff worked and that I was never allowed to tell anyone and as I got older I would be contacted by 'certain people' so I can share in the same success he had known his whole life," the Banker added.
We attempted to speak to a number of men in suits emerging from the NYSE and most wouldn't talk to us. However, new Goldman Sachs employee Barry Doobin pulled us aside and had this to say: "Listen, no one really knows what goes on inside the Stock Exchanges. Most of us think it's got something to do with angry white guys screaming and using a lot of paper and that it might involve human slavery, but the fact is that the World Financial System would crumble if they didn't see us input these numbers and make those Indexes move. Plus Warren Buffet just put in Salad Bars in the NYSE and Nasdaq and the croutons are fucking out of control good."
Our crack IT staff attempted to infiltrate the NYSE and Nasdaq exchanges but were met with intense security and firewalling. After 4 minutes the Password of "richguys2013" was discovered and we began to navigate the system. We found that the software was actually set up with primitive algorithms that were activated by user scores achieved on Bejeweled Blitz and Words With Friends. In just a few short minutes our IT staff were able to boost the stock price of American Airlines to $93,000 just by using all our their tiles on a Triple Word Score.
"The Stock Market? It's like, old guys buying crops and gold and shit right?" asked Gordon Wemp, a passerby on Wall St. "I have this 401K thing at work and I know K stands for potassium so I think I have money going into that, to like, buy minerals and what not. Then maybe I cash it in when I'm old and sell to those stock market guys I guess, right?"
We were unable to get the anonymous banker or any of the Stock market employees to give us the names of the "elite 17" but our IT staff were able to extract 5 names before the Exchange servers crashed during a game a game of Candy Crush Saga: Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Cuban, Donald Trump and Wilford Brimley.
"No one knows what the fuck the Stock Market is man, just leave it alone. You're asking all the wrong questions anyway...it's not 'what is the stock market and how do I make money at it', the question you should be asking is 'Why do we even have to pay for anything, man, ya know? I mean, the Government owns all this stuff right so like, why don't our taxes just pay for that shit? I paid $583 in taxes last year, I should at least get an iPhone right? Or a Jet Ski?"
NewsBelly will continue to research this story, and in the SEC requires us to tell you that at the close of business Friday, NewsBelly, Inc.shares were trading at $627,389 a share.
-Franklin Whopp, NewsBELLY
No comments:
Post a Comment