"I have been eating McNuggets since I was 10 and I always assumed they were actually chicken, or at least pigeon or baby ducks, but Gopher meat?" asked longtime McDonalds customer Gordon Zonk outside one of their Detroit locations. "I suppose they only good that can come of this is that maybe now they will put McNuggets on the Dollar Menu? That would be cool."
Other reactions were far more severe.
"Are you kidding me? F**king Gopher nuts in McNuggets? They have some balls-no pun intended-these McDonalds idiots. I mean, I was OK with the rat feces in the burgers and the Pink Slime was interesting at least but I can't deal with Gopher balls man. In fact the other day I had a 20 piece and I swear I swallowed a short coarse hair but I figured it was just from one of the employees privates, not a giant rodent!" said customer Lyndon Pilper.
Suspicion had been raised recently when a Gopher sucking truck was spotted pulling into a McDonalds warehouse in Iowa shortly after vacuuming over 300 of the furry little critters out of the local Landscape. Resident Donald Wellbuns watched it all unfold and then called the Gossip site TMZ.
"I knew something aint right. I mean, them Gopher sucking trucks usually head stright to the Asian restaurants and not a fine foods establishment like McDonalds. I take my wife to get a Big Mac and Coke every Friday for Date Night and now I suppose I'm gonna have to be re thinking that arrangement cause I can't have her eating rodent gonads. Hell, she's afraid of mine, she sure as shit aint gonna put those one in her mouth. Heh heh hehhh," Mr. Wellbuns said.
TMZ and other media outlets sent reporters to McDonalds headquarters immediately to question the company about the practice but the reporters were held back by a large security force made up of Fry Guys, The Hamburglar and Grimace who was seen actually devouring human beings. The company released the admission about the Gopher testicles later that evening after intense pressure from the FDA and Ralph Nader. Some competitors in the industry were actually sympathetic in some ways.
"In the fast food industry we have a duty to serve our customers the most unhealthy, unidentified food for a good price that we can. So anytime one of the "Big 3" admits to a secret ingredient and it becomes public we all lose. Pretty soon the average consumer is going to realize that they could make what we serve at home simply by throwing some dirt, a muskrat and a little salt in a blender so we really need to be better about protecting our trade secrets." said an anonymous Burger King executive.
No word on whether McDonalds will change the McNuggets recipe, but word has emerged that a new dipping sauce, "Zesty Lemon Magic" has been released which compliments the Gopher gonads wonderfully.
-Darren Mump, NewsBELLY
No comments:
Post a Comment