Calendar - Maya. Monday, the day that follows Sunday,
universally despised by the working public and most everyone else, is
apparently considered a "loser" by the other days of the week. In a
meeting of the six other days recently, the hatred towards Monday was very apparent.
"What a little bitch Monday is," said Tuesday.
"He get's all kinds of Holidays and makes some weekends longer and yet
he still doesn't have anyone that likes him. It's a freakin' disgrace."
One of the consistent complaints amongst the other days is that Monday
is a "Holiday Hog" and that despite the fact that so many humans use
that day as a recovery period for overeating, binge drinking and poor
choices sexually, those same people continue to trash the day and complain about it.
"Hey I know I am the Rock Star of the Group," said Saturday. "But Monday
is just so pathetic, seriously. I mean, people should LOVE him with all
his bonus free time he makes available and also that he can be a fresh
start to the week for many but everyone still hates him. It's impossible
not to pile on and just trash him. Just the other day, Thursday and I, ON Thursday coincidentally, locked Monday
in the Leap Year closet with February 29th and he pissed himself! I
have to admit it was really funny cause Feb 29th is like this total
freak that babbles and drools, probably because he's in seclusion most
of the time. When we let Monday
out of that closet he was sorta crying a little bit and we felt a
little bad, but we still gave him an Atomic wedgie and hung him from the
door."
Noted Psychologist Martin Van Yubble, explains that Monday
is a day that receives lots of unfair disdain because humans are faced
with the reality that their lives suck, have no meaning and that they
will never be wealthy or have sex with someone even remotely attractive.
"It's our own faults, really. We spend too much money, we drink wine
coolers and Budweiser beers and watch reality television. We eat fatty
foods, we have sexual relations with people we meet at Truck Stops and
we let our mother's berate us for years of masturbating on her good
linens. Monday is the unfortunate punching bag for the absolute shit-storm that is our life.
Wednesday claims that Monday has the power to change things, but chooses not to.
"I am 'Hump Day' for F***'s sake! That's a title I came up with totally on my own. Yes, it was because I was dry humping Monday while I jammed my wet fingers in his ears but so what, it still made me think of a cool nickname," Wednesday said. "Monday
could take charge and help change the mindset of all of us that hate
him. Call himself 'Funday" or maybe ask the Universe for an extra hour
on his day or to start a little later than the other days of the week.
Could you imagine the Ass that Monday could get if he announced he wasn't going to start until Noon every day going forward?? Wow."
We asked Monday
what his thoughts were on all this, but he refused to sit down with us
to talk. His representative did email us a statement saying: "Monday is far too busy planning for the Apocalypse to respond to such negative accusations. Plus he's currently being sat on by Friday while Sunday shaves his pubes."
Other experts we questioned for this story suggested it was preposterous
to call a day of the week a 'loser" or demean it in any way just
because of it's proximity to the start of a work week or end of a
weekend. "Unless it's Monday," many of them said. "That day sucks ass."
- Barney Pibble, NewsBELLY
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