McDonalds Admits Chicken McNuggets are Actually Deep Friend Gopher Testicles

In a stunning admission by the executives at Fast Food Giant McDonalds, the company has admitted that the long time menu favorite "Chicken McNuggets" are more accurately the pulverized and deep fried testicles of Gophers. The statement was released late Friday, presumably to avoid the stock price hit, but reaction has been strong and swift.

"I have been eating McNuggets since I was 10 and I always assumed they were actually chicken, or at least pigeon or baby ducks, but Gopher meat?" asked longtime McDonalds customer Gordon Zonk outside one of their Detroit locations. "I suppose they only good that can come of this is that maybe now they will put McNuggets on the Dollar Menu? That would be cool."

Other reactions were far more severe.

"Are you kidding me? F**king Gopher nuts in McNuggets? They have some balls-no pun intended-these McDonalds idiots. I mean, I was OK with the rat feces in the burgers and the Pink Slime was interesting at least but I can't deal with Gopher balls man. In fact the other day I had a 20 piece and I swear I swallowed a short coarse hair but I figured it was just from one of the employees privates, not a giant rodent!" said customer Lyndon Pilper.

Suspicion had been raised recently when a Gopher sucking truck was spotted pulling into a McDonalds warehouse in Iowa shortly after vacuuming over 300 of the furry little critters out of the local Landscape. Resident Donald Wellbuns watched it all unfold and then called the Gossip site TMZ.

"I knew something aint right. I mean, them Gopher sucking trucks usually head stright to the Asian restaurants and not a fine foods establishment like McDonalds. I take my wife to get a Big Mac and Coke every Friday for Date Night and now I suppose I'm gonna have to be re thinking that arrangement cause I can't have her eating rodent gonads. Hell, she's afraid of mine, she sure as shit aint gonna put those one in her mouth. Heh heh hehhh," Mr. Wellbuns said.

TMZ and other media outlets sent reporters to McDonalds headquarters immediately to question the company about the practice but the reporters were held back by a large security force made up of Fry Guys, The Hamburglar and Grimace who was seen actually devouring human beings. The company released the admission about the Gopher testicles later that evening after intense pressure from the FDA and Ralph Nader. Some competitors in the industry were actually sympathetic in some ways.

"In the fast food industry we have a duty to serve our customers the most unhealthy, unidentified food for a good price that we can. So anytime one of the "Big 3" admits to a secret ingredient and it becomes public we all lose. Pretty soon the average consumer is going to realize that they could make what we serve at home simply by throwing some dirt, a muskrat and a little salt in a blender so we really need to be better about protecting our trade secrets." said an anonymous Burger King executive.

No word on whether McDonalds will change the McNuggets recipe, but word has emerged that a new dipping sauce, "Zesty Lemon Magic" has been released which compliments the Gopher gonads wonderfully.

-Darren Mump, NewsBELLY

Only 17 People On Earth Know How Stock Market Works

New York, New York - In a stunning interview in lower Manhattan Friday, a wealthy Investment Banker who agreed to only speak anonymously said that approximately 17 people really know how the Stock Market works, and only a few more even know what it is. This statement was made just moments after a massive Friday rally.

"When I turned thirteen my father bought me a new Bentley, and before he'd let me take it to the Yacht Club to pick up my girlfriend Mindy Sue, he insisted I listen to him about something very important," the anonymous banker stated. "He leaned over and whispered in my ear for about five minutes and the things he told me were shocking and amazing. It almost sounded like people were going to just buy things that didn't really exist and some computer was going to make up some numbers and because of that we were always going to be rich."

It's widely known that very few people ever make money in the stock market and that most purchases of companies other than Wal-Mart, IBM, Apple, Google or KY Lubricants actually are simply funneling money to offshore accounts for wealthy people.

"Of course I asked my father if the people buying these "shares" he called them would also be rich and he just spit out his Tom Collins and mussed up my hair, laughing wildly. He said less than twenty people actually knew how all this stuff worked and that I was never allowed to tell anyone and as I got older I would be contacted by 'certain people' so I can share in the same success he had known his whole life," the Banker added.

We attempted to speak to a number of men in suits emerging from the NYSE and most wouldn't talk to us. However, new Goldman Sachs employee Barry Doobin pulled us aside and had this to say: "Listen, no one really knows what goes on inside the Stock Exchanges. Most of us think it's got something to do with angry white guys screaming and using a lot of paper and that it might involve human slavery, but the fact is that the World Financial System would crumble if they didn't see us input these numbers and make those Indexes move. Plus Warren Buffet just put in Salad Bars in the NYSE and Nasdaq and the croutons are fucking out of control good."

Our crack IT staff attempted to infiltrate the NYSE and Nasdaq exchanges but were met with intense security and firewalling. After 4 minutes the Password of "richguys2013" was discovered and we began to navigate the system. We found that the software was actually set up with primitive algorithms that were activated by user scores achieved on Bejeweled Blitz and Words With Friends. In just a few short minutes our IT staff were able to boost the stock price of American Airlines to $93,000 just by using all our their tiles on a Triple Word Score.

"The Stock Market? It's like, old guys buying crops and gold and shit right?" asked Gordon Wemp, a passerby on Wall St. "I have this 401K thing at work and I know K stands for potassium so I think I have money going into that, to like, buy minerals and what not. Then maybe I cash it in when I'm old and sell to those stock market guys I guess, right?"

We were unable to get the anonymous banker or any of the Stock market employees to give us the names of the "elite 17" but our IT staff were able to extract 5 names before the Exchange servers crashed during a game a game of Candy Crush Saga: Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Cuban, Donald Trump and Wilford Brimley. 

"No one knows what the fuck the Stock Market is man, just leave it alone. You're asking all the wrong questions anyway...it's not 'what is the stock market and how do I make money at it', the question you should be asking is 'Why do we even have to pay for anything, man, ya know? I mean, the Government owns all this stuff right so like, why don't our taxes just pay for that shit? I paid $583 in taxes last year, I should at least get an iPhone right? Or a Jet Ski?"

NewsBelly will continue to research this story, and in the SEC requires us to tell you that at the close of business Friday, NewsBelly, Inc.shares were trading at $627,389 a share.

-Franklin Whopp, NewsBELLY

Monday Considered a 'Loser Day' By Other Days of Week

Calendar - Maya. Monday, the day that follows Sunday, universally despised by the working public and most everyone else, is apparently considered a "loser" by the other days of the week. In a meeting of the six other days recently, the hatred towards Monday was very apparent.
 
"What a little bitch Monday is," said Tuesday.  "He get's all kinds of Holidays and makes some weekends longer and yet he still doesn't have anyone that likes him. It's a freakin' disgrace."
 
One of the consistent complaints amongst the other days is that Monday is a "Holiday Hog" and that despite the fact that so many humans use that day as a recovery period for overeating, binge drinking and poor choices sexually, those same people continue to trash the day and complain about it.
 
"Hey I know I am the Rock Star of the Group," said Saturday. "But Monday is just so pathetic, seriously. I mean, people should LOVE him with all his bonus free time he makes available and also that he can be a fresh start to the week for many but everyone still hates him. It's impossible not to pile on and just trash him. Just the other day, Thursday and I, ON Thursday coincidentally, locked Monday in the Leap Year closet with February 29th and he pissed himself! I have to admit it was really funny cause Feb 29th is like this total freak that babbles and drools, probably because he's in seclusion most of the time. When we let Monday out of that closet he was sorta crying a little bit and we felt a little bad, but we still gave him an Atomic wedgie and hung him from the door."
 
Noted Psychologist Martin Van Yubble, explains that Monday is a day that receives lots of unfair disdain because humans are faced with the reality that their lives suck, have no meaning and that they will never be wealthy or have sex with someone even remotely attractive.
 
"It's our own faults, really. We spend too much money, we drink wine coolers and Budweiser beers and watch reality television. We eat fatty foods, we have sexual relations with people we meet at Truck Stops and we let our mother's berate us for years of masturbating on her good linens. Monday is the unfortunate punching bag for the absolute shit-storm that is our life.  

Wednesday claims that Monday has the power to change things, but chooses not to.
"I am 'Hump Day' for F***'s sake! That's a title I came up with totally on my own. Yes, it was because I was dry humping Monday while I jammed my wet fingers in his ears but so what, it still made me think of a cool nickname," Wednesday said. "Monday could take charge and help change the mindset of all of us that hate him. Call himself 'Funday" or maybe ask the Universe for an extra hour on his day or to start a little later than the other days of the week. Could you imagine the Ass that Monday could get if he announced he wasn't going to start until Noon every day going forward?? Wow."
 
We asked Monday what his thoughts were on all this, but he refused to sit down with us to talk. His representative did email us a statement saying: "Monday is far too busy planning for the Apocalypse to respond to such negative accusations. Plus he's currently being sat on by Friday while Sunday shaves his pubes."
 
Other experts we questioned for this story suggested it was preposterous to call a day of the week a 'loser" or demean it in any way just because of it's proximity to the start of a work week or end of a weekend. "Unless it's Monday," many of them said. "That day sucks ass."
 
- Barney Pibble, NewsBELLY

Friend Request of Teenage Daughter By 57 Year Old Co Worker 'Might Be Creepy', Says Mom

Wilmington DE - Local Secretary Betty Mintberg says her 17 year old daughter Amber received a Facebook Friend Request over the weekend from her 57 year old-co worker, Jerry Yuttle. The two met each other briefly a couple times when the mother and daughter shared a car and Amber stopped into the office.

"I mean, I don't think it's wrong per se, or inappropriate but they have only met a couple times and I think all Amber has ever said to him was 'hey' maybe once in the office. What could Jerry possibly want in being friends with her on Facebook?" Betty wondered.

"Ummm, like the guy could be my grandfather or something. Seriously. The first time I was in my moms office he was like trying to ask me if I liked Muskee fishing and I was all ignoring him. What the hell is a Muskee, and why does he smell like the food court at the mall?" Betty's daughter Amber wondered. "I totally deleted the first Friend Request but it showed up again like 2 weeks later. Eeww."

Others in the local Staffing Service office where Betty works say they know Jerry as a pretty mellow guy that likes fishing, taxidermy and WWE and they don't recall him ever mentioning a girlfriend.

"I asked him about that once," said Gary Zump, an accountant at the office. "He just gave me this really weird look and then asked if I knew where you could buy a lot of rope cheaply. He's sorta weird but he's always at work on time."

"I suppose I think it might just be a little creepy, sure. I mean, Amber is almost 18 but to me she's still a child and she has plenty of boys her own age and a little older very interested in her. In fact, most of her Facebook friends are guys and they're always buying her things and stopping by the house. I wish I had 10 more like her," Betty gushed.

Ambers Facebook page had modest security settings so we were only able to view a few pictures and posts but from our investigation it was apparent that she enjoyed summer, the beach, bikinis, shirtless male models and tanning, as well as Twerking.

"Hey what's the big deal? Just because I'm older means I can't be friends with younger people? It's crazy," said Jerry. "Have you seen that girl Twerk for f**k sake? What does she expect? 674 Facebook friends she has, but I'm the A hole because I send her a request. People are way too sensitive and restraining order happy these days."

Last we checked Amber had not added Jerry as a Friend on Facebook but she let us know he's following her on Twitter, Instagram and Vine and recently was spotted outside her tanning salon "just tying his shoe" for several minutes.

-Darryl Mabry, NewsBELLY

Circuit City Attempts Re-Launch With Introduction of $49 Smartphone Made of Wood and Twine

Chicago, IL - Circuit City, the failed electronics retailer known for pushy salespeople and horrible return policies, has announced they are making a comeback with an all new affordable Smartphone made of wood, string and beeswax. The phone is a joint venture between Circuit City and discount chain Ocean State Job Lot, who have already started to test market the phone while Circuit City begins opening new stores.

"Our customers love to buy whatever crap we put on our shelves," said Gary Dunkman, Senior VP of marketing for Ocean State Job Lot. "The partnership with Circuit City on the phone was a no-brainer. Even with the daily complaints we get about the poor quality of the phone, we still sell hundreds a day to budget conscious shoppers who want to have the newest thing, even when the newest thing is made out of junk and barely works."

Early tests of the new Circuit City phone have resulted in everything from frustration, confusion, fear and even violence.

"Hey I used to love Circuit City, so of of course when I saw they had a new phone that was less than $50 I bought it, but are they serious with this thing? There doesn't seem to be any electronic equipment inside it at all and the instructions say "best communication is achieved when you place this phone next to a better, more expensive phone...and then use that phone," said Job Lot customer Darren Zip. 

Similar experiences were reported by many buyers of the "CC 1000" phone, including Wilma Dullman, who was waiting in line to return her phone at an Ocean State Job Lot in Enfield, CT. 

"This f**king thing has no use whatsoever!! It has no apps, no calling features, no style and it doesn't even have a power button!!! How the f**k do you turn the thing on?? Not to mention that when I left it in the bathroom after a hot shower it warped and now it's bent like a banana. I would have better luck using a banana to call someone than this piece of crap," Dullman said.

We purchased the phone and tried to use it to make calls, surf the internet, text and play games and what we found was that it's a useful device if you have a need for a small block of wood with frayed pieces of string dangling from it, otherwise it's not recommended for personal communication in any form. That didn't stop shoppers like Barry Pobble, who had a very pronounced lisp, from getting to Job Lot early to get one of the cheap phones for himself.

"I'm wicked excited, like seriously. I finally got out of my contract with T Mobile and I wanted a Smartphone so bad but I work at Fashion Bug and don't have much money so this is going to be great. I am in a Fantasy Croquet League and sometimes I can't see player stats and updates on my Grandmother's computer at home because it's got like viruses and stuff, so now I can check on my phone," said Pobble.

Several complaints have been lodged with the Department of Consumer Affairs but a representative of that office wasn't sure they could do very much at this point.

"It's a phone made out of primarily Pine Wood and common string. Frankly we are considering filing suit against those that purchase the phone for complete idiocy," said Consumer Affairs rep Gus Wallop. This department has far more important things to do than police people who don't know how to make good decisions."

Sales of the phone remained strong, and on that news Quaker Oats has decided to launch their first Automobile sometime next year.

-Jerry Shmeckle, NewsBELLY

High School Wrestling Champ Has Strong Suspicion Parents Might Be Santa Claus

Windsor Locks, CT – High School senior and Wrestling champ Barry Zinger has told several teammates and friends that he thinks his parents might actually be Santa Claus and responsible for the gifts he’s been getting under the tree since he was a young boy.

“I mean, I know my parents aren’t liars but ever since I started questioning them earlier in the year they get all weird and stuff,” Barry said in an interview with him outside the High School.  “I am not 100% sure yet, but I am starting to think there is something fishy might be going on.”

Barry claims that the suspicions actually started shortly after his 16^th birthday last year when his father let it slip that “it might be a sparse Xmas this year since my hours have been cut”, and when he asked what his dad meant he thinks he felt his mother kick his father in the leg and definitely gave him a nasty look. Later that night he logged onto Google to search “Who is Santa Claus” but noticed all the related websites had been blocked.

“Every year for as long as I can remember I have been putting cookies out on Xmas Eve and they always get eaten, and my parents hate cookies. Plus, it’s not like most of the world doesn’t believe in Santa and there are so many movies about him and he somehow makes it to all the malls for pictures so…”

We caught up with Barry’s parents to ask them about his belief in Santa, and they were reluctant to speak with us until we offered them a $50 Gift Card to Old Country Buffet and a couple tickets to Celtic Woman.

“Barry is a wonderful boy, and we love him dearly and he’s so innocent and pure and sweet, so why would we want to rob him of believing in something as magical and amazing as the legend of Santa Claus?” asked Barry’s mother, Winifred Zinger. “Sure, the other boys jab and poke harmless fun at him about it but the truth is the years of attacks on him have made him the wrestler he is today. So good, that Brigham Young has actually offered him a full scholarship. Of course, we aren’t’ sure if we want to convert to Mormons or Wiccans or whatever they are over there, but we are discussing it.”

Barry says that this Xmas season he plans to keep an eye on the purchase of Scotch tape, extra scissors and also will break into his parent’s massive bedroom closet that’s double locked around the holidays, just in case they may be hiding gifts in there, but he doubts he will find anything.

“My mom has never told me a lie, ever. Even when I saw the neighbor, Mr. Stimpleton, running out of our back door with his pants coming off when I came home sick from school one day she didn’t try to make up a story at all. She just explained that she had been doing seamstress work on the side to make extra money for us, and Mr. Stimpleton didn’t want to embarrass me if I found him there getting his pants fixed up for a few dollars by my mother. He’s been so nice to me after that, and always takes an interest in our family, mostly asking about my dad and if he still has a gun collection in the house,” Barry says.

Santa Claus couldn’t be reached for commentary on this story, but The Great Pumpkin’s Twitter account showed photos of the two of them in Belize doing body shots off a stripper with the caption “Getting R Drink On B 4 CRAY CRAY Season Starts, Bitches!”.

-          Stuart Gobble, NewsBELLY

Ramen Noodles Flavor Pack Made of Ground Hamster Bones and Mrs. Dash, Admits CEO

Amarillo, TX - Ramen Noodles, the soup-like snack popular with stoners, poor people and the mentally challenged, made a stunning announcement at SoupFest 2013 that their Flavor Pack is filled with the ground bones of Hamsters mixed with Mrs. Dash seasoning. Mrs. Dash is branded as an alternative to salt and contains a variety of herbs, spices, pulverized rat feet and 74% salt.

"There was immense pressure from the public and the FDA to disclose the formula for our Flavor Pack after numerous people claimed reactions from as mild as excess gas to as severe as total and complete death. We thought it was time to spill the beans," said President and CEO, Willie Ramen III.

Why ground Hamster bones? The forthright CEO admitted they tried everything from chalk, sand, crushed fingertips from Ramen factory employees in the Dominican Republic and even crack cocaine, until a fortunate accident turned them on to the Hamster/Mrs. Dash combo.

"Our VP of Product Development, Mitch Fryeball, was bathing his sons Hamster 'Squeaks' in the kitchen sink years ago and one thing led to another and ya know, the little fucker ended up in the garbage disposal. Mitch tried to yank it out but not before he turned on the 'light' to see better, which of course as always was the switch for the disposal. Anyway, Mitchy pulled what was left of Squeaks out of the disposal and noticed the powder on his fingers had a very unique texture. He brought a Baggie of it to our guys in the lab and a couple months later we had our Flavor Pack," Ramen III said.  "The Mrs. Dash was just a no brainier as an additive because as most of us know the Mexicans have been putting Mrs. Dash on rodent cuisine for years with great success."

We asked Ramen if there was any truth to the rumored health hazards from eating the pulverized Hamster bone?

"Well that depends on how you define 'hazards' I suppose. When we looked into the Mexican connection we wondered if their use of rodent bone meal might be the reason they have an average lifespan of 39 years but in fact it was the shitty water they drink so we were happy with that. However, customers who have been consuming Ramen noodles at least seven times per week since we switched to the new flavor formula in nineteen eighty seven have shown an increase in rodent like hair growth on their tongue, as well as mild cases of leprosy, spontaneous combustion and Syphillus. Most just experience gas, diarrhea and impotence, but the benefits of having such flavorful, low cost yet non-nutritive meals greatly outweigh the risks."

A representative for PETA has started a campaign to boycott the popular noodle snack, but their anti-Ramen Tweets and Facebook posts were quickly beaten back with supporters of the brand.

"I've been eating Ramen Noodles ever since I was the campus trollop back at Texas A&M, and there's no way I am stopping now," said Mindy Wilkes, a Ramen fan. "When you're unemployed and missing teeth, and have lost most of your taste buds from smoking a glass pipe, nothing hits the spot better, and if it means I am ingesting Hamsters or Gerbils or Furbys or what the f**k ever I don't care."

Shares of Ramen, Inc. sank to a forty year low of .023 cents on the news, along with Petco, Petsmart and HamsterDepot taking huge losses.

- Gary Lindonbeet, NewsBELLY