Windsor Locks, CT – High School senior and Wrestling champ Barry Zinger has told several teammates and friends that he thinks his parents might actually be Santa Claus and responsible for the gifts he’s been getting under the tree since he was a young boy.
“I mean, I know my parents aren’t liars but ever since I started questioning them earlier in the year they get all weird and stuff,” Barry said in an interview with him outside the High School. “I am not 100% sure yet, but I am starting to think there is something fishy might be going on.”
Barry claims that the suspicions actually started shortly after his 16th birthday last year when his father let it slip that “it might be a sparse Xmas this year since my hours have been cut”, and when he asked what his dad meant he thinks he felt his mother kick his father in the leg and definitely gave him a nasty look. Later that night he logged onto Google to search “Who is Santa Claus” but noticed all the related websites had been blocked.
“Every year for as long as I can remember I have been putting cookies out on Xmas Eve and they always get eaten, and my parents hate cookies. Plus, it’s not like most of the world doesn’t believe in Santa and there are so many movies about him and he somehow makes it to all the malls for pictures so…”
We caught up with Barry’s parents to ask them about his belief in Santa, and they were reluctant to speak with us until we offered them a $50 Gift Card to Old Country Buffet and a couple tickets to Celtic Woman.
“Barry is a wonderful boy, and we love him dearly and he’s so innocent and pure and sweet, so why would we want to rob him of believing in something as magical and amazing as the legend of Santa Claus?” asked Barry’s mother, Winifred Zinger. “Sure, the other boys jab and poke harmless fun at him about it but the truth is the years of attacks on him have made him the wrestler he is today. So good, that Brigham Young has actually offered him a full scholarship. Of course, we aren’t’ sure if we want to convert to Mormons or Wiccans or whatever they are over there, but we are discussing it.”
Barry says that this Xmas season he plans to keep an eye on the purchase of Scotch tape, extra scissors and also will break into his parent’s massive bedroom closet that’s double locked around the holidays, just in case they may be hiding gifts in there, but he doubts he will find anything.
“My mom has never told me a lie, ever. Even when I saw the neighbor, Mr. Stimpleton, running out of our back door with his pants coming off when I came home sick from school one day she didn’t try to make up a story at all. She just explained that she had been doing seamstress work on the side to make extra money for us, and Mr. Stimpleton didn’t want to embarrass me if I found him there getting his pants fixed up for a few dollars by my mother. He’s been so nice to me after that, and always takes an interest in our family, mostly asking about my dad and if he still has a gun collection in the house,” Barry says.
Santa Claus couldn’t be reached for commentary on this story, but The Great Pumpkin’s Twitter account showed photos of the two of them in Belize doing body shots off a stripper with the caption “Getting R Drink On B 4 CRAY CRAY Season Starts, Bitches!”.
- Stuart Gobble, NewsBELLY
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