Chicago, IL - Circuit City, the failed electronics retailer known for pushy salespeople and horrible return policies, has announced they are making a comeback with an all new affordable Smartphone made of wood, string and beeswax. The phone is a joint venture between Circuit City and discount chain Ocean State Job Lot, who have already started to test market the phone while Circuit City begins opening new stores.
"Our customers love to buy whatever crap we put on our shelves," said Gary Dunkman, Senior VP of marketing for Ocean State Job Lot. "The partnership with Circuit City on the phone was a no-brainer. Even with the daily complaints we get about the poor quality of the phone, we still sell hundreds a day to budget conscious shoppers who want to have the newest thing, even when the newest thing is made out of junk and barely works."
Early tests of the new Circuit City phone have resulted in everything from frustration, confusion, fear and even violence.
"Hey I used to love Circuit City, so of of course when I saw they had a new phone that was less than $50 I bought it, but are they serious with this thing? There doesn't seem to be any electronic equipment inside it at all and the instructions say "best communication is achieved when you place this phone next to a better, more expensive phone...and then use that phone," said Job Lot customer Darren Zip.
Similar experiences were reported by many buyers of the "CC 1000" phone, including Wilma Dullman, who was waiting in line to return her phone at an Ocean State Job Lot in Enfield, CT.
"This f**king thing has no use whatsoever!! It has no apps, no calling features, no style and it doesn't even have a power button!!! How the f**k do you turn the thing on?? Not to mention that when I left it in the bathroom after a hot shower it warped and now it's bent like a banana. I would have better luck using a banana to call someone than this piece of crap," Dullman said.
We purchased the phone and tried to use it to make calls, surf the internet, text and play games and what we found was that it's a useful device if you have a need for a small block of wood with frayed pieces of string dangling from it, otherwise it's not recommended for personal communication in any form. That didn't stop shoppers like Barry Pobble, who had a very pronounced lisp, from getting to Job Lot early to get one of the cheap phones for himself.
"I'm wicked excited, like seriously. I finally got out of my contract with T Mobile and I wanted a Smartphone so bad but I work at Fashion Bug and don't have much money so this is going to be great. I am in a Fantasy Croquet League and sometimes I can't see player stats and updates on my Grandmother's computer at home because it's got like viruses and stuff, so now I can check on my phone," said Pobble.
Several complaints have been lodged with the Department of Consumer Affairs but a representative of that office wasn't sure they could do very much at this point.
"It's a phone made out of primarily Pine Wood and common string. Frankly we are considering filing suit against those that purchase the phone for complete idiocy," said Consumer Affairs rep Gus Wallop. This department has far more important things to do than police people who don't know how to make good decisions."
Sales of the phone remained strong, and on that news Quaker Oats has decided to launch their first Automobile sometime next year.
-Jerry Shmeckle, NewsBELLY
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