Amarillo, TX - Ramen Noodles, the soup-like snack popular with stoners, poor people and the mentally challenged, made a stunning announcement at SoupFest 2013 that their Flavor Pack is filled with the ground bones of Hamsters mixed with Mrs. Dash seasoning. Mrs. Dash is branded as an alternative to salt and contains a variety of herbs, spices, pulverized rat feet and 74% salt.
"There was immense pressure from the public and the FDA to disclose the formula for our Flavor Pack after numerous people claimed reactions from as mild as excess gas to as severe as total and complete death. We thought it was time to spill the beans," said President and CEO, Willie Ramen III.
Why ground Hamster bones? The forthright CEO admitted they tried everything from chalk, sand, crushed fingertips from Ramen factory employees in the Dominican Republic and even crack cocaine, until a fortunate accident turned them on to the Hamster/Mrs. Dash combo.
"Our VP of Product Development, Mitch Fryeball, was bathing his sons Hamster 'Squeaks' in the kitchen sink years ago and one thing led to another and ya know, the little fucker ended up in the garbage disposal. Mitch tried to yank it out but not before he turned on the 'light' to see better, which of course as always was the switch for the disposal. Anyway, Mitchy pulled what was left of Squeaks out of the disposal and noticed the powder on his fingers had a very unique texture. He brought a Baggie of it to our guys in the lab and a couple months later we had our Flavor Pack," Ramen III said. "The Mrs. Dash was just a no brainier as an additive because as most of us know the Mexicans have been putting Mrs. Dash on rodent cuisine for years with great success."
We asked Ramen if there was any truth to the rumored health hazards from eating the pulverized Hamster bone?
"Well that depends on how you define 'hazards' I suppose. When we looked into the Mexican connection we wondered if their use of rodent bone meal might be the reason they have an average lifespan of 39 years but in fact it was the shitty water they drink so we were happy with that. However, customers who have been consuming Ramen noodles at least seven times per week since we switched to the new flavor formula in nineteen eighty seven have shown an increase in rodent like hair growth on their tongue, as well as mild cases of leprosy, spontaneous combustion and Syphillus. Most just experience gas, diarrhea and impotence, but the benefits of having such flavorful, low cost yet non-nutritive meals greatly outweigh the risks."
A representative for PETA has started a campaign to boycott the popular noodle snack, but their anti-Ramen Tweets and Facebook posts were quickly beaten back with supporters of the brand.
"I've been eating Ramen Noodles ever since I was the campus trollop back at Texas A&M, and there's no way I am stopping now," said Mindy Wilkes, a Ramen fan. "When you're unemployed and missing teeth, and have lost most of your taste buds from smoking a glass pipe, nothing hits the spot better, and if it means I am ingesting Hamsters or Gerbils or Furbys or what the f**k ever I don't care."
Shares of Ramen, Inc. sank to a forty year low of .023 cents on the news, along with Petco, Petsmart and HamsterDepot taking huge losses.
- Gary Lindonbeet, NewsBELLY
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