Monday Considered a 'Loser Day' By Other Days of Week

Calendar - Maya. Monday, the day that follows Sunday, universally despised by the working public and most everyone else, is apparently considered a "loser" by the other days of the week. In a meeting of the six other days recently, the hatred towards Monday was very apparent.
 
"What a little bitch Monday is," said Tuesday.  "He get's all kinds of Holidays and makes some weekends longer and yet he still doesn't have anyone that likes him. It's a freakin' disgrace."
 
One of the consistent complaints amongst the other days is that Monday is a "Holiday Hog" and that despite the fact that so many humans use that day as a recovery period for overeating, binge drinking and poor choices sexually, those same people continue to trash the day and complain about it.
 
"Hey I know I am the Rock Star of the Group," said Saturday. "But Monday is just so pathetic, seriously. I mean, people should LOVE him with all his bonus free time he makes available and also that he can be a fresh start to the week for many but everyone still hates him. It's impossible not to pile on and just trash him. Just the other day, Thursday and I, ON Thursday coincidentally, locked Monday in the Leap Year closet with February 29th and he pissed himself! I have to admit it was really funny cause Feb 29th is like this total freak that babbles and drools, probably because he's in seclusion most of the time. When we let Monday out of that closet he was sorta crying a little bit and we felt a little bad, but we still gave him an Atomic wedgie and hung him from the door."
 
Noted Psychologist Martin Van Yubble, explains that Monday is a day that receives lots of unfair disdain because humans are faced with the reality that their lives suck, have no meaning and that they will never be wealthy or have sex with someone even remotely attractive.
 
"It's our own faults, really. We spend too much money, we drink wine coolers and Budweiser beers and watch reality television. We eat fatty foods, we have sexual relations with people we meet at Truck Stops and we let our mother's berate us for years of masturbating on her good linens. Monday is the unfortunate punching bag for the absolute shit-storm that is our life.  

Wednesday claims that Monday has the power to change things, but chooses not to.
"I am 'Hump Day' for F***'s sake! That's a title I came up with totally on my own. Yes, it was because I was dry humping Monday while I jammed my wet fingers in his ears but so what, it still made me think of a cool nickname," Wednesday said. "Monday could take charge and help change the mindset of all of us that hate him. Call himself 'Funday" or maybe ask the Universe for an extra hour on his day or to start a little later than the other days of the week. Could you imagine the Ass that Monday could get if he announced he wasn't going to start until Noon every day going forward?? Wow."
 
We asked Monday what his thoughts were on all this, but he refused to sit down with us to talk. His representative did email us a statement saying: "Monday is far too busy planning for the Apocalypse to respond to such negative accusations. Plus he's currently being sat on by Friday while Sunday shaves his pubes."
 
Other experts we questioned for this story suggested it was preposterous to call a day of the week a 'loser" or demean it in any way just because of it's proximity to the start of a work week or end of a weekend. "Unless it's Monday," many of them said. "That day sucks ass."
 
- Barney Pibble, NewsBELLY

Friend Request of Teenage Daughter By 57 Year Old Co Worker 'Might Be Creepy', Says Mom

Wilmington DE - Local Secretary Betty Mintberg says her 17 year old daughter Amber received a Facebook Friend Request over the weekend from her 57 year old-co worker, Jerry Yuttle. The two met each other briefly a couple times when the mother and daughter shared a car and Amber stopped into the office.

"I mean, I don't think it's wrong per se, or inappropriate but they have only met a couple times and I think all Amber has ever said to him was 'hey' maybe once in the office. What could Jerry possibly want in being friends with her on Facebook?" Betty wondered.

"Ummm, like the guy could be my grandfather or something. Seriously. The first time I was in my moms office he was like trying to ask me if I liked Muskee fishing and I was all ignoring him. What the hell is a Muskee, and why does he smell like the food court at the mall?" Betty's daughter Amber wondered. "I totally deleted the first Friend Request but it showed up again like 2 weeks later. Eeww."

Others in the local Staffing Service office where Betty works say they know Jerry as a pretty mellow guy that likes fishing, taxidermy and WWE and they don't recall him ever mentioning a girlfriend.

"I asked him about that once," said Gary Zump, an accountant at the office. "He just gave me this really weird look and then asked if I knew where you could buy a lot of rope cheaply. He's sorta weird but he's always at work on time."

"I suppose I think it might just be a little creepy, sure. I mean, Amber is almost 18 but to me she's still a child and she has plenty of boys her own age and a little older very interested in her. In fact, most of her Facebook friends are guys and they're always buying her things and stopping by the house. I wish I had 10 more like her," Betty gushed.

Ambers Facebook page had modest security settings so we were only able to view a few pictures and posts but from our investigation it was apparent that she enjoyed summer, the beach, bikinis, shirtless male models and tanning, as well as Twerking.

"Hey what's the big deal? Just because I'm older means I can't be friends with younger people? It's crazy," said Jerry. "Have you seen that girl Twerk for f**k sake? What does she expect? 674 Facebook friends she has, but I'm the A hole because I send her a request. People are way too sensitive and restraining order happy these days."

Last we checked Amber had not added Jerry as a Friend on Facebook but she let us know he's following her on Twitter, Instagram and Vine and recently was spotted outside her tanning salon "just tying his shoe" for several minutes.

-Darryl Mabry, NewsBELLY

Circuit City Attempts Re-Launch With Introduction of $49 Smartphone Made of Wood and Twine

Chicago, IL - Circuit City, the failed electronics retailer known for pushy salespeople and horrible return policies, has announced they are making a comeback with an all new affordable Smartphone made of wood, string and beeswax. The phone is a joint venture between Circuit City and discount chain Ocean State Job Lot, who have already started to test market the phone while Circuit City begins opening new stores.

"Our customers love to buy whatever crap we put on our shelves," said Gary Dunkman, Senior VP of marketing for Ocean State Job Lot. "The partnership with Circuit City on the phone was a no-brainer. Even with the daily complaints we get about the poor quality of the phone, we still sell hundreds a day to budget conscious shoppers who want to have the newest thing, even when the newest thing is made out of junk and barely works."

Early tests of the new Circuit City phone have resulted in everything from frustration, confusion, fear and even violence.

"Hey I used to love Circuit City, so of of course when I saw they had a new phone that was less than $50 I bought it, but are they serious with this thing? There doesn't seem to be any electronic equipment inside it at all and the instructions say "best communication is achieved when you place this phone next to a better, more expensive phone...and then use that phone," said Job Lot customer Darren Zip. 

Similar experiences were reported by many buyers of the "CC 1000" phone, including Wilma Dullman, who was waiting in line to return her phone at an Ocean State Job Lot in Enfield, CT. 

"This f**king thing has no use whatsoever!! It has no apps, no calling features, no style and it doesn't even have a power button!!! How the f**k do you turn the thing on?? Not to mention that when I left it in the bathroom after a hot shower it warped and now it's bent like a banana. I would have better luck using a banana to call someone than this piece of crap," Dullman said.

We purchased the phone and tried to use it to make calls, surf the internet, text and play games and what we found was that it's a useful device if you have a need for a small block of wood with frayed pieces of string dangling from it, otherwise it's not recommended for personal communication in any form. That didn't stop shoppers like Barry Pobble, who had a very pronounced lisp, from getting to Job Lot early to get one of the cheap phones for himself.

"I'm wicked excited, like seriously. I finally got out of my contract with T Mobile and I wanted a Smartphone so bad but I work at Fashion Bug and don't have much money so this is going to be great. I am in a Fantasy Croquet League and sometimes I can't see player stats and updates on my Grandmother's computer at home because it's got like viruses and stuff, so now I can check on my phone," said Pobble.

Several complaints have been lodged with the Department of Consumer Affairs but a representative of that office wasn't sure they could do very much at this point.

"It's a phone made out of primarily Pine Wood and common string. Frankly we are considering filing suit against those that purchase the phone for complete idiocy," said Consumer Affairs rep Gus Wallop. This department has far more important things to do than police people who don't know how to make good decisions."

Sales of the phone remained strong, and on that news Quaker Oats has decided to launch their first Automobile sometime next year.

-Jerry Shmeckle, NewsBELLY

High School Wrestling Champ Has Strong Suspicion Parents Might Be Santa Claus

Windsor Locks, CT – High School senior and Wrestling champ Barry Zinger has told several teammates and friends that he thinks his parents might actually be Santa Claus and responsible for the gifts he’s been getting under the tree since he was a young boy.

“I mean, I know my parents aren’t liars but ever since I started questioning them earlier in the year they get all weird and stuff,” Barry said in an interview with him outside the High School.  “I am not 100% sure yet, but I am starting to think there is something fishy might be going on.”

Barry claims that the suspicions actually started shortly after his 16^th birthday last year when his father let it slip that “it might be a sparse Xmas this year since my hours have been cut”, and when he asked what his dad meant he thinks he felt his mother kick his father in the leg and definitely gave him a nasty look. Later that night he logged onto Google to search “Who is Santa Claus” but noticed all the related websites had been blocked.

“Every year for as long as I can remember I have been putting cookies out on Xmas Eve and they always get eaten, and my parents hate cookies. Plus, it’s not like most of the world doesn’t believe in Santa and there are so many movies about him and he somehow makes it to all the malls for pictures so…”

We caught up with Barry’s parents to ask them about his belief in Santa, and they were reluctant to speak with us until we offered them a $50 Gift Card to Old Country Buffet and a couple tickets to Celtic Woman.

“Barry is a wonderful boy, and we love him dearly and he’s so innocent and pure and sweet, so why would we want to rob him of believing in something as magical and amazing as the legend of Santa Claus?” asked Barry’s mother, Winifred Zinger. “Sure, the other boys jab and poke harmless fun at him about it but the truth is the years of attacks on him have made him the wrestler he is today. So good, that Brigham Young has actually offered him a full scholarship. Of course, we aren’t’ sure if we want to convert to Mormons or Wiccans or whatever they are over there, but we are discussing it.”

Barry says that this Xmas season he plans to keep an eye on the purchase of Scotch tape, extra scissors and also will break into his parent’s massive bedroom closet that’s double locked around the holidays, just in case they may be hiding gifts in there, but he doubts he will find anything.

“My mom has never told me a lie, ever. Even when I saw the neighbor, Mr. Stimpleton, running out of our back door with his pants coming off when I came home sick from school one day she didn’t try to make up a story at all. She just explained that she had been doing seamstress work on the side to make extra money for us, and Mr. Stimpleton didn’t want to embarrass me if I found him there getting his pants fixed up for a few dollars by my mother. He’s been so nice to me after that, and always takes an interest in our family, mostly asking about my dad and if he still has a gun collection in the house,” Barry says.

Santa Claus couldn’t be reached for commentary on this story, but The Great Pumpkin’s Twitter account showed photos of the two of them in Belize doing body shots off a stripper with the caption “Getting R Drink On B 4 CRAY CRAY Season Starts, Bitches!”.

-          Stuart Gobble, NewsBELLY

Ramen Noodles Flavor Pack Made of Ground Hamster Bones and Mrs. Dash, Admits CEO

Amarillo, TX - Ramen Noodles, the soup-like snack popular with stoners, poor people and the mentally challenged, made a stunning announcement at SoupFest 2013 that their Flavor Pack is filled with the ground bones of Hamsters mixed with Mrs. Dash seasoning. Mrs. Dash is branded as an alternative to salt and contains a variety of herbs, spices, pulverized rat feet and 74% salt.

"There was immense pressure from the public and the FDA to disclose the formula for our Flavor Pack after numerous people claimed reactions from as mild as excess gas to as severe as total and complete death. We thought it was time to spill the beans," said President and CEO, Willie Ramen III.

Why ground Hamster bones? The forthright CEO admitted they tried everything from chalk, sand, crushed fingertips from Ramen factory employees in the Dominican Republic and even crack cocaine, until a fortunate accident turned them on to the Hamster/Mrs. Dash combo.

"Our VP of Product Development, Mitch Fryeball, was bathing his sons Hamster 'Squeaks' in the kitchen sink years ago and one thing led to another and ya know, the little fucker ended up in the garbage disposal. Mitch tried to yank it out but not before he turned on the 'light' to see better, which of course as always was the switch for the disposal. Anyway, Mitchy pulled what was left of Squeaks out of the disposal and noticed the powder on his fingers had a very unique texture. He brought a Baggie of it to our guys in the lab and a couple months later we had our Flavor Pack," Ramen III said.  "The Mrs. Dash was just a no brainier as an additive because as most of us know the Mexicans have been putting Mrs. Dash on rodent cuisine for years with great success."

We asked Ramen if there was any truth to the rumored health hazards from eating the pulverized Hamster bone?

"Well that depends on how you define 'hazards' I suppose. When we looked into the Mexican connection we wondered if their use of rodent bone meal might be the reason they have an average lifespan of 39 years but in fact it was the shitty water they drink so we were happy with that. However, customers who have been consuming Ramen noodles at least seven times per week since we switched to the new flavor formula in nineteen eighty seven have shown an increase in rodent like hair growth on their tongue, as well as mild cases of leprosy, spontaneous combustion and Syphillus. Most just experience gas, diarrhea and impotence, but the benefits of having such flavorful, low cost yet non-nutritive meals greatly outweigh the risks."

A representative for PETA has started a campaign to boycott the popular noodle snack, but their anti-Ramen Tweets and Facebook posts were quickly beaten back with supporters of the brand.

"I've been eating Ramen Noodles ever since I was the campus trollop back at Texas A&M, and there's no way I am stopping now," said Mindy Wilkes, a Ramen fan. "When you're unemployed and missing teeth, and have lost most of your taste buds from smoking a glass pipe, nothing hits the spot better, and if it means I am ingesting Hamsters or Gerbils or Furbys or what the f**k ever I don't care."

Shares of Ramen, Inc. sank to a forty year low of .023 cents on the news, along with Petco, Petsmart and HamsterDepot taking huge losses.

- Gary Lindonbeet, NewsBELLY

Total Loser At Work "Knows Judo"

Danbury, CT – Donald Blarton, IT tech and office reject at WhizTech, Inc., has announced that he knows Judo, after a prolonged verbal assault by co-workers in the break room.

Several staff members of WhizTech, a Software company that designs programs to help cats play Chess against humans, apparently surrounded Mr. Blarton in the break room and began taunting him about his Game of Thrones action figures at his desk. Blarton defended his collection and asked not to be bothered while he was enjoying his Quizno’s Turkey Sandwich, but the group continued and eventually got him to drop the hoagie and get up from his chair. At this point, Mr. Blarton announced, “I know Judo…” and made a sort of move with his clenched fists that were at his side.

“Don is just the office loser, and he hates that,” said Jenny Bickle, a staff accountant at WhizTech. “He has like, dolls at his desk, and could his glasses be any bigger? I mean, seriously…but to threaten us just because we torment him about his lame hobbies and pathetic looks? That’s awful.”

After the altercation in the break room, several of the male staff allegedly filled Mr. Blarton’s underpants with cream cheese and coffee grounds and then stuffed him in the garbage can, a Rubbermaid Kitchen sized can next to the sink. Blarton flailed his legs and feet and eventually freed himself and then called building security to report the incident.

“We met with Mr. Blarton and took his statement and at this time (laughing), we haven’t found probable cause to (laughing again) call Danbury police. We are treating this as an isolated-an isolated, meaning one time-ahhhaaaaa haaa, I’m sorry, please excuse me. (long pause) We take this matter very seriously and will document our files but we consider this matter closed at this point,” said Building Security Manager Rafael Santaria.

We caught up with Mr. Blarton after his shift at WhizTech and asked him about his experience in the office, and his mastery of the art of Judo.

“The Martial Arts are nothing to toy with, and I will not use my power and talent willy nilly. I could have easily defended myself, and put several of the idiots in my office in special holds and pinned them but I chose to not use my hands as deadly weapons, which I think was the right call. Obviously if it happens again I will have no choice though,” said Mr. Blarton.

“Dude, f**king Don Blarton is a tool, and everyone in the office hates him. Of course we know we bully him and that’s wrong but he’s 49 years old and he has a Fraggle Rock Tattoo, like fifty actions figures at his desk and he’s always emailing the staff asking us to nominate him for Cupcake Wars. It’s out of control and if anyone deserves to be tortured it’s this guy,” said Brent Snapper, a Salesman at WhizTech and all around cool guy. “Yeah he says he knows Judo or some s**t but I saw his mother pick him up once outside the building and when she asked if he remembered to buy Metamucil for her at CVS and he said no she flat out knocked him out of his shoes.”

We tried to sit down with Mr. Blarton for an extended interview but he apparently had an allergic reaction to the Cream Cheese in his pants and was in Danbury Hospital receiving treatment. Calls to his room were answered by someone claiming to be Mr. Barton but sounding like the voice of Jar Jar Binks and asking if we wanted to play Magic the Gathering. The United Judo Federation claims no knowledge of Mr. Blarton, and his mother says she is “reevaluating his living arrangements” and further contact should be directed to the local YMCA.

-Larry Gilroy, NewsBELLY

American Dental Association Admits Brushing Teeth Unnecessary; Dentists 'Overpaid Mouth Nurses'

Atlanta, GA - The American Dental Association, in a shocking admission that has sent waves all across the world of Oral Health, says that brushing your teeth is totally unnecessary and a complete waste of time on all levels. The story hit the news service wires late last night after a senior official was quoted at the National Dental Conference and Swap Meet in downtown Atlanta. The official quote, from a senior member of the ADA, was reported as follows:

"The American Dental Association has been keeping an ugly secret for years, and at this time the pressure to bare our souls and be honest with the American public is just too overwhelming to hold back any longer. Many, many years ago, two brothers named Martin and Xavier Frumpton, co-opted a plan to dupe the citizens of these great United States into thinking that their mouths needed to be 'brushed and cleaned' with a device that Martin created in his kitchen and that was made of a piece of wood with some floor brush bristles attached. This device is what has evolved into the modern day 'tooth brush'. His brother Xavier, who had been working as a Moonshine runner, admitted to his brother that sometimes, when he got large chunks of catfish stuck in his teeth and gums, he would drag fishing line between his teeth to loosen them, and therefore the concept of 'dental floss' was born simultaneously. The brothers Frumpton devised a plan where they would create these devices, spread propaganda regarding 'proper oral hygiene', as they deemed themselves experts of, and also created the world’s first Dental College, naming themselves the Dean and Vice President. They also gave themselves the official titles of 'DDS', effectively becoming the first dentists in the land.

After careful research and review of the brother’s notes and initial business plan it was discovered that the only reason they started the business was for monetary gained and to recruit 'as many suckers as possible into thinking a clean mouth equals dollar signs'. There was no clinical research, no testing, no studies, no control groups and no evidence whatsoever that the human mouth needed the invasive faux-science known as Dentistry. Obviously the ADA has been a party to this scam for far too long and has to finally admit that the average Dentist is nothing more than an overpaid mouth nurse. We are sorry for any confusion, and you may stop brushing now."

Reaction to the stunning admission was harsh and immediate.

"Are you serious with this s**t? I have been a practicing dentist for fourteen years and what I do is vital and difficult work. To think that the ADA, a group that supposedly has our back could admit such a thing is sickening. Of course, anyone with half a brain knows that a quick rinse of your mouth with some water is all anyone needs to have good oral hygiene but how am I going to pay for my Porsche Cayenne GTS if people stop coming?” asked local Dentist Marty Noobler. “I have six months’ worth of free toothbrushes and mini floss dispensers. What the f**k am I supposed to do with them now?”

NewsBELLY was able to obtain confidential documents from a source at the conference that contained private emails between Colgate, Crest, Aqua Fresh, AIM and Sensodyne laughing about the millions of dollars they were making off the unsuspecting public and apparently asking one another who’s turn it was to pay for the “Blue-Green Food coloring, common dirt, and expired Sour Cream” that all toothpaste is apparently made of. The Oral Care giants admitted they use one supplier in Georgia that has been making massive vats of what we know as “toothpaste” since the early 1900’s.

“Listen I don’t care what the ADA, reporters or any crockpot out there has to say because Dentists aren’t going away. We provide a vital service and are a big part of overall health and well-being for the average person, more so than they may even know. I can’t tell you how many times, while a patient is under Nitrous Oxide, I have provided free breast exams or cervical cancer screening and I’ve actually become quite adept at performing colonoscopy’s during lulls in minor oral surgeries. I don’t even charge extra for these services so, yeah…that’s how I roll.”

Numerous attempts were made to reach the ADA directly but we had no luck making contact. We also were faxed a “Cease and Desist Letter” from the top Toothpaste companies after repeatedly trying to question them about the documents we possessed. Tom from Tom’s of Maine actually personally assaulted our staff assistant, Wendy Snodblatz, while at the conference, repeatedly hitting her with a Tote bag from the Mentadent folks who had a booth set up at the event. Tensions remained high throughout the day and numerous conference attendees assured us they would fight the “war on Dentists” with everything they have as soon they all return from next week’s conference – Mouth Care Madness-an all-expense paid extravaganza for Dentists and Oral Surgeons in Costa Rica featuring performances by The Judds, Kenny Rogers, Michael Bolton and Slayer, and sponsored by Trident gum.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth in years, are you kidding me? I’m going to put a stick with prickly shit covered in gritty goop all over it in my mouth, really? The idea that it does anything to help us have cleaner mouths is preposterous, anyway. Lawyers and politicians make money lying to people so why can’t I, especially if it makes people feel good? I sleep fine at night, thank you very much. Except for my Sleep Apnea and Restless Leg Syndrome but that has nothing to do with a guilty conscience or feeling like I’m a fraud,” said an anonymous Dentist at the conference we spoke to. “Keep brushing and flossing people, I am putting in a sun room.”

NewsBELLYis continuing to research this story and will provide updates we get them.

-Darren Zillbunt, NewsBELLY

Obama Finds Time To Join Pinterest During Shutdown

Washington D.C.- President Barrack Obama hasn’t found very many things to be positive about during the current Government shutdown, but the reduced and lighter schedule has afforded him the time to start a Pinterest account. In just the last forty eight hours alone he’s reported to have pinned several items to the Social Media site, none of which have anything to do with the debt ceiling, the federal government or anything remotely connected to being the leader of the United States.

“I think it’s wonderful,” said Senator Harry Reid. “That poor guy works just so gosh darn hard, and he needs a break like the rest of us. Having a place like Pinterest to just go and search dip recipes, fashion ideas and pictures of deceased Republicans is wonderful for him, and I hear he even pinned his first item the other night. I guess it was lyrics to a rap song he wrote called “Boehner Is My Byotch” and it’s already been ‘liked’ by Nancy Pelosi and Rachel Maddow.”

While the Government is shutdown, and with the Debt Ceiling deadline of October 17th approaching, many members of Congress and the Federal Government are concerned that wasting any time at all could have disastrous ramifications on the country and its citizens, and that they should be focusing on reaching a solution first and foremost. However, many representatives we spoke to, who refused to be identified by name, agreed that Pinterest is really addictive and should also be a priority in American’s lives.

“We all know these damn Republicans aren’t going to budge before October 17th, and even if a deal is reached they are still going to be worthless bastards who have dumb ideas and bad hair, so I applaud Obama in this. Who knows which adorable recipe that looks sort of like little animals made of fruit and candies will be the catalyst for the President to come up with something really great? Plus it’s freaking Pinterest for God’s sake. Isn’t he like the last guy in the country that wasn’t a member?” offered a former House Democrat that wouldn’t give us his name but looked a lot like Barney Frank or some other Cartoon character.

NewsBELLY attempted to reach the White House for an official statement but was unable to get through due to busy phone lines, likely from angry citizens or Donald Trump asking for Mr. Obama’s Birth Certificate. We sent numerous emails that went unreturned until just before publication of this article we received the following reply:

“Thank you for contacting The White House. We are currently experiencing heavy volume due to the likely implosion of our financial system and eventual total collapse of our infrastructure. Please keep in mind, were anarchy to occur, the laws of the land still apply and each citizen is allowed only a small Pellet gun and a 3 inch blade for defense from Militia members, terrorists, the National Guard or Jesse Ventura. AntiBiotics will be offered at area Wal Marts (for a reduced fee) and Arby’s will be offering free lunches from Noon – 4PM in select cities. Public Waterways will be open for attempted flight or drinking, but please no bathing. Should the Government collapse and Leaders need to reach you with emergency instructions or messages, do not expect normal modes of communication like Texting and Facebook to be working, so please check with HAM Radio operators or log onto Pinterest. Thank you.” -White House Staff

Pinterest is a community “cork board” type social media site where members post and share their favorite recipes, clothing items and other lovely and fun things. Pinterest had no comment for this story but did advise us that they are setting up a special board entitled “WTF America” for members to post their educated, thought out and insightful rants about the current situation with the Federal Government, or post-apocalypse recipes and wound care . Its first poster was rapper Kanye West who shared a recipe for Cucumber Soup and a diagram of the human body showing the best “kill points”.

The Chinese Government (who own CNN, Pinterest, Newsbelly, Taco Bell, Myspace, Wal Mart, Little Debbie Snacks and the United States), in a strong statement to the President tweeted: “POTUS, you are weak, just like the dollar. Pinterest is for chicks and tweens.” That statement was quickly followed by Vladimir Putin posting an open letter on CompuServe stating he thinks he “could beat up the President even if he had no arms”. Other worldwide leaders have apparently also voiced displeasure but the NSA has yet to release those statements to the general public.

-Morton Snoggens, NewsBELLY

Miley Cyrus Knows How Many Licks to Get To Center of Tootsie Pop

New York, NY – Miley Cyrus has officially announced via her Twitter page that she knows exactly how many licks it takes to get to the candy center of a Tootsie Pop. The overnight Tweet appeared at approximately 2:17am and was followed by Tweets announcing that she “could use some Aquafina” and she “hoped Sinead O’Connor gets mauled by wolves”.

“For years it’s been a highly guarded secret, the exact number of licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but apparently Miley has done it, though we have seen no official number posted yet so it’s possible it’s just the Meth talking,” said Gerald Spallberg, a spokesman for the Lollipop maker. Earlier in the evening there were pics posted on the Pop Stars website showing her in various stages of licking a red colored Tootsie Pop but they were quickly taken down when Kelly Osbourne’s Twitter page exploded with profanity laced tweets about her and “that f**king tongue again”. At one point Osbourne Tweeted “My father will gladly bite that thing off Miley. What a pig U R. BFF 4Evs”

Numerous physicians and fellow candy makers have also chimed in on the report, claiming it’s impossible to pin down the exact number of licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop for a variety of reasons including differences in size of the treat due to manufacturing variances, individual tongue size as well as moisture of the tongue itself.

“Listen, would I like to know how many licks it takes, exactly? Of course and who wouldn’t, but the simple truth is it’s impossible to be a set number for everyone. I mean, have you ever seen a Giraffes tongue? Those things are like as big as a baby arm and could soak the side of a bus with one lick. You’re not going to tell me that Miley’s lick count is going to be the same as a Giraffe, seriously,” offered Dr. Michael Minkleberg, a Rectal surgeon from Brooklyn. He went on to say that sometimes when a person licks they also have a tendency to do a little sucking and that can completely skew the count as well.

“Tootsie Pops have been playing this game with the American public for years, and frankly I think it’s disgusting!” said Barney Floggner, a spokesman for a competing candy company. “They started with the ad where the owl claims he knows but he eventually bites into it, like everyone does because let’s be honest, the candy part sucks. We’re all after the Tootsie Roll inside and no one’s actually going to sit there and just keep licking it. The Tootsie Pop brand loves the drama they create with this debate and we all know Miley Cyrus likes to be in the thick of all things dramatic, especially after that disgusting display at the VIP awards.” When we offered the correction of the awards show being the VMA’s, Mr. Floggner admitted he actually hadn’t watched the show and had just seen YouTube clips while surfing the web at Denny’s on his lunch break.

Miley Cyrus, daughter of horrible joke of a country artist, Billy Ray Cyrus, has risen from boring/annoying child star in the Hannah Montana TV series to marginally talented Pop Artist and Twerking superstar with her performance alongside Robin Thicke at the MTV Video Music Awards. It’s possible the 1,784 times her tongue was out during that performance actually prepared Cyrus for the Tootsie Pop feat, strengthening muscles in her mouth and loosening up her jaw, though several roadies for the star have claimed she’s always had an incredible mouth.

NewsBELLY contacted Ms. Cyrus for a statement but our requests were ignored, and no official number has yet been posted on her Twitter or web page, and immediately after completing this story we’ve completely lost interest.

Alexander Merlobean - NewsBELLY

Depressed Bridge Jumps Off Human

Dubuque, IA - A severely depressed single span bridge has apparently tried to commit suicide by jumping off a local man who was visiting a park to buy David Hasselhoff concert tickets.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Chief Milton Ballnub of the Iowa State Police. “The twisted metal, the pieces of shrapnel everywhere and the smell is just terrible,” Ballnub went on to say.

A witness that refused to be identified claims that at 2:07 pm local time he watched as a massive metal structure making its way into the park, knocking down trees and frightening children who were playing on the swings and see saw. As it got closer he realized it was apparently the Route 7 Bridge from a few miles away, and it appeared to be sobbing.

“It was so weird because, you know, it’s like a bridge and stuff and you don’t expect them to be walking around,” the witness said. “When I heard that it was crying I felt really bad for a minute but then I remembered it’s not really alive so why should I care?”

Apparently at this time the bridge made its way deeper into the park and sought out the unnamed man who was trying to purchase the Hasselhoff tickets. When the man froze in fear, looking up at the weeping metal, the bridge apparently tried to climb on the mans back and plunge to its death, but it’s plans were foiled when the man’s physical form essentially liquefied under the weight of the gargantuan structure. Shortly after the bridge was seen in a fetal-like position whimpering near a soccer field in the corner of the park.

“We are still investigating this incident, but right now we’re treating it as a suicide attempt that resulted in negligent homicide. We have no law on the books to guide us in the prosecution of formerly inanimate objects that randomly come to life and kill humans so we’re struggling a bit here, but we will sort it all out,” said Chief Ballnub. A recent accident involving a toaster that allegedly lunged at a man in Nebraska who was trying to jam a large bagel in the toasting chutes is being used for guidance, but law enforcement officials and the Assistant DA fear that incident may have involved the use of LSD or demonic possession so it may not be relevant.

NewsBELLY attempted to speak to the saddened bridge while it was still in the park but we were kept away by police officers and the bridge’s attorney, Gloria Allred. However we were able to make contact with another bridge in the area and although it was reluctant to speak on the record at first, it eventually offered this: “Listen, did I know this was coming for a long time now? Of course I did. Jerry, as we know him in the community, has been depressed for a long time now. Delayed repairs, kids from down below near the river throwing things at him, pigeons crapping everywhere and of course the jumpers. You think it’s easy to watch three or four humans a year take a nose dive off your face? That s**t stings, and it’s even worse because sometimes they make it and Jerry has to watch them float down the river flopping around like crazy until the current finally drags them under. It would make anyone depressed, and I think this is a problem that’s only going to get worse. In some ways it’s probably ‘poetic justice’ for the man who perished, but I am not entirely sure what poetry is.”

As locals made their way to the park to see what had happened and try to seek answers about the bridge and man who perished, there were questions being raised all around. How could this happen? Is it the terrorists? What’s next, a highway that starts murdering cars for driving on it? However it was local resident Charles Loolpanner that perhaps had the most poignant question when he asked, “Does David Hasselhoff really tour, and if so, why the hell is anyone buying tickets in the park for that garbage anyway?”

We may never know, but in the meantime local bridges and large metal structures are being offered grief counseling and have begun to be monitored by the NSA.

Alexander Merlobean – NewsBELLY