Dubuque, IA - A severely depressed single span bridge has apparently tried to commit suicide by jumping off a local man who was visiting a park to buy David Hasselhoff concert tickets.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Chief Milton Ballnub of the Iowa State Police. “The twisted metal, the pieces of shrapnel everywhere and the smell is just terrible,” Ballnub went on to say.
A witness that refused to be identified claims that at 2:07 pm local time he watched as a massive metal structure making its way into the park, knocking down trees and frightening children who were playing on the swings and see saw. As it got closer he realized it was apparently the Route 7 Bridge from a few miles away, and it appeared to be sobbing.
“It was so weird because, you know, it’s like a bridge and stuff and you don’t expect them to be walking around,” the witness said. “When I heard that it was crying I felt really bad for a minute but then I remembered it’s not really alive so why should I care?”
Apparently at this time the bridge made its way deeper into the park and sought out the unnamed man who was trying to purchase the Hasselhoff tickets. When the man froze in fear, looking up at the weeping metal, the bridge apparently tried to climb on the mans back and plunge to its death, but it’s plans were foiled when the man’s physical form essentially liquefied under the weight of the gargantuan structure. Shortly after the bridge was seen in a fetal-like position whimpering near a soccer field in the corner of the park.
“We are still investigating this incident, but right now we’re treating it as a suicide attempt that resulted in negligent homicide. We have no law on the books to guide us in the prosecution of formerly inanimate objects that randomly come to life and kill humans so we’re struggling a bit here, but we will sort it all out,” said Chief Ballnub. A recent accident involving a toaster that allegedly lunged at a man in Nebraska who was trying to jam a large bagel in the toasting chutes is being used for guidance, but law enforcement officials and the Assistant DA fear that incident may have involved the use of LSD or demonic possession so it may not be relevant.
NewsBELLY attempted to speak to the saddened bridge while it was still in the park but we were kept away by police officers and the bridge’s attorney, Gloria Allred. However we were able to make contact with another bridge in the area and although it was reluctant to speak on the record at first, it eventually offered this: “Listen, did I know this was coming for a long time now? Of course I did. Jerry, as we know him in the community, has been depressed for a long time now. Delayed repairs, kids from down below near the river throwing things at him, pigeons crapping everywhere and of course the jumpers. You think it’s easy to watch three or four humans a year take a nose dive off your face? That s**t stings, and it’s even worse because sometimes they make it and Jerry has to watch them float down the river flopping around like crazy until the current finally drags them under. It would make anyone depressed, and I think this is a problem that’s only going to get worse. In some ways it’s probably ‘poetic justice’ for the man who perished, but I am not entirely sure what poetry is.”
As locals made their way to the park to see what had happened and try to seek answers about the bridge and man who perished, there were questions being raised all around. How could this happen? Is it the terrorists? What’s next, a highway that starts murdering cars for driving on it? However it was local resident Charles Loolpanner that perhaps had the most poignant question when he asked, “Does David Hasselhoff really tour, and if so, why the hell is anyone buying tickets in the park for that garbage anyway?”
We may never know, but in the meantime local bridges and large metal structures are being offered grief counseling and have begun to be monitored by the NSA.
Alexander Merlobean – NewsBELLY
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