New York, NY – Miley Cyrus has officially announced via her Twitter page that she knows exactly how many licks it takes to get to the candy center of a Tootsie Pop. The overnight Tweet appeared at approximately 2:17am and was followed by Tweets announcing that she “could use some Aquafina” and she “hoped Sinead O’Connor gets mauled by wolves”.
“For years it’s been a highly guarded secret, the exact number of licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but apparently Miley has done it, though we have seen no official number posted yet so it’s possible it’s just the Meth talking,” said Gerald Spallberg, a spokesman for the Lollipop maker. Earlier in the evening there were pics posted on the Pop Stars website showing her in various stages of licking a red colored Tootsie Pop but they were quickly taken down when Kelly Osbourne’s Twitter page exploded with profanity laced tweets about her and “that f**king tongue again”. At one point Osbourne Tweeted “My father will gladly bite that thing off Miley. What a pig U R. BFF 4Evs”
Numerous physicians and fellow candy makers have also chimed in on the report, claiming it’s impossible to pin down the exact number of licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop for a variety of reasons including differences in size of the treat due to manufacturing variances, individual tongue size as well as moisture of the tongue itself.
“Listen, would I like to know how many licks it takes, exactly? Of course and who wouldn’t, but the simple truth is it’s impossible to be a set number for everyone. I mean, have you ever seen a Giraffes tongue? Those things are like as big as a baby arm and could soak the side of a bus with one lick. You’re not going to tell me that Miley’s lick count is going to be the same as a Giraffe, seriously,” offered Dr. Michael Minkleberg, a Rectal surgeon from Brooklyn. He went on to say that sometimes when a person licks they also have a tendency to do a little sucking and that can completely skew the count as well.
“Tootsie Pops have been playing this game with the American public for years, and frankly I think it’s disgusting!” said Barney Floggner, a spokesman for a competing candy company. “They started with the ad where the owl claims he knows but he eventually bites into it, like everyone does because let’s be honest, the candy part sucks. We’re all after the Tootsie Roll inside and no one’s actually going to sit there and just keep licking it. The Tootsie Pop brand loves the drama they create with this debate and we all know Miley Cyrus likes to be in the thick of all things dramatic, especially after that disgusting display at the VIP awards.” When we offered the correction of the awards show being the VMA’s, Mr. Floggner admitted he actually hadn’t watched the show and had just seen YouTube clips while surfing the web at Denny’s on his lunch break.
Miley Cyrus, daughter of horrible joke of a country artist, Billy Ray Cyrus, has risen from boring/annoying child star in the Hannah Montana TV series to marginally talented Pop Artist and Twerking superstar with her performance alongside Robin Thicke at the MTV Video Music Awards. It’s possible the 1,784 times her tongue was out during that performance actually prepared Cyrus for the Tootsie Pop feat, strengthening muscles in her mouth and loosening up her jaw, though several roadies for the star have claimed she’s always had an incredible mouth.
NewsBELLY contacted Ms. Cyrus for a statement but our requests were ignored, and no official number has yet been posted on her Twitter or web page, and immediately after completing this story we’ve completely lost interest.
Alexander Merlobean - NewsBELLY
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