Danbury, CT – Donald Blarton, IT tech and office reject at WhizTech, Inc., has announced that he knows Judo, after a prolonged verbal assault by co-workers in the break room.
Several staff members of WhizTech, a Software company that designs programs to help cats play Chess against humans, apparently surrounded Mr. Blarton in the break room and began taunting him about his Game of Thrones action figures at his desk. Blarton defended his collection and asked not to be bothered while he was enjoying his Quizno’s Turkey Sandwich, but the group continued and eventually got him to drop the hoagie and get up from his chair. At this point, Mr. Blarton announced, “I know Judo…” and made a sort of move with his clenched fists that were at his side.
“Don is just the office loser, and he hates that,” said Jenny Bickle, a staff accountant at WhizTech. “He has like, dolls at his desk, and could his glasses be any bigger? I mean, seriously…but to threaten us just because we torment him about his lame hobbies and pathetic looks? That’s awful.”
After the altercation in the break room, several of the male staff allegedly filled Mr. Blarton’s underpants with cream cheese and coffee grounds and then stuffed him in the garbage can, a Rubbermaid Kitchen sized can next to the sink. Blarton flailed his legs and feet and eventually freed himself and then called building security to report the incident.
“We met with Mr. Blarton and took his statement and at this time (laughing), we haven’t found probable cause to (laughing again) call Danbury police. We are treating this as an isolated-an isolated, meaning one time-ahhhaaaaa haaa, I’m sorry, please excuse me. (long pause) We take this matter very seriously and will document our files but we consider this matter closed at this point,” said Building Security Manager Rafael Santaria.
We caught up with Mr. Blarton after his shift at WhizTech and asked him about his experience in the office, and his mastery of the art of Judo.
“The Martial Arts are nothing to toy with, and I will not use my power and talent willy nilly. I could have easily defended myself, and put several of the idiots in my office in special holds and pinned them but I chose to not use my hands as deadly weapons, which I think was the right call. Obviously if it happens again I will have no choice though,” said Mr. Blarton.
“Dude, f**king Don Blarton is a tool, and everyone in the office hates him. Of course we know we bully him and that’s wrong but he’s 49 years old and he has a Fraggle Rock Tattoo, like fifty actions figures at his desk and he’s always emailing the staff asking us to nominate him for Cupcake Wars. It’s out of control and if anyone deserves to be tortured it’s this guy,” said Brent Snapper, a Salesman at WhizTech and all around cool guy. “Yeah he says he knows Judo or some s**t but I saw his mother pick him up once outside the building and when she asked if he remembered to buy Metamucil for her at CVS and he said no she flat out knocked him out of his shoes.”
We tried to sit down with Mr. Blarton for an extended interview but he apparently had an allergic reaction to the Cream Cheese in his pants and was in Danbury Hospital receiving treatment. Calls to his room were answered by someone claiming to be Mr. Barton but sounding like the voice of Jar Jar Binks and asking if we wanted to play Magic the Gathering. The United Judo Federation claims no knowledge of Mr. Blarton, and his mother says she is “reevaluating his living arrangements” and further contact should be directed to the local YMCA.
-Larry Gilroy, NewsBELLY
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