Washington D.C.- President Barrack Obama hasn’t found very many things to be positive about during the current Government shutdown, but the reduced and lighter schedule has afforded him the time to start a Pinterest account. In just the last forty eight hours alone he’s reported to have pinned several items to the Social Media site, none of which have anything to do with the debt ceiling, the federal government or anything remotely connected to being the leader of the United States.
“I think it’s wonderful,” said Senator Harry Reid. “That poor guy works just so gosh darn hard, and he needs a break like the rest of us. Having a place like Pinterest to just go and search dip recipes, fashion ideas and pictures of deceased Republicans is wonderful for him, and I hear he even pinned his first item the other night. I guess it was lyrics to a rap song he wrote called “Boehner Is My Byotch” and it’s already been ‘liked’ by Nancy Pelosi and Rachel Maddow.”
While the Government is shutdown, and with the Debt Ceiling deadline of October 17th approaching, many members of Congress and the Federal Government are concerned that wasting any time at all could have disastrous ramifications on the country and its citizens, and that they should be focusing on reaching a solution first and foremost. However, many representatives we spoke to, who refused to be identified by name, agreed that Pinterest is really addictive and should also be a priority in American’s lives.
“We all know these damn Republicans aren’t going to budge before October 17th, and even if a deal is reached they are still going to be worthless bastards who have dumb ideas and bad hair, so I applaud Obama in this. Who knows which adorable recipe that looks sort of like little animals made of fruit and candies will be the catalyst for the President to come up with something really great? Plus it’s freaking Pinterest for God’s sake. Isn’t he like the last guy in the country that wasn’t a member?” offered a former House Democrat that wouldn’t give us his name but looked a lot like Barney Frank or some other Cartoon character.
NewsBELLY attempted to reach the White House for an official statement but was unable to get through due to busy phone lines, likely from angry citizens or Donald Trump asking for Mr. Obama’s Birth Certificate. We sent numerous emails that went unreturned until just before publication of this article we received the following reply:
“Thank you for contacting The White House. We are currently experiencing heavy volume due to the likely implosion of our financial system and eventual total collapse of our infrastructure. Please keep in mind, were anarchy to occur, the laws of the land still apply and each citizen is allowed only a small Pellet gun and a 3 inch blade for defense from Militia members, terrorists, the National Guard or Jesse Ventura. AntiBiotics will be offered at area Wal Marts (for a reduced fee) and Arby’s will be offering free lunches from Noon – 4PM in select cities. Public Waterways will be open for attempted flight or drinking, but please no bathing. Should the Government collapse and Leaders need to reach you with emergency instructions or messages, do not expect normal modes of communication like Texting and Facebook to be working, so please check with HAM Radio operators or log onto Pinterest. Thank you.” -White House Staff
Pinterest is a community “cork board” type social media site where members post and share their favorite recipes, clothing items and other lovely and fun things. Pinterest had no comment for this story but did advise us that they are setting up a special board entitled “WTF America” for members to post their educated, thought out and insightful rants about the current situation with the Federal Government, or post-apocalypse recipes and wound care . Its first poster was rapper Kanye West who shared a recipe for Cucumber Soup and a diagram of the human body showing the best “kill points”.
The Chinese Government (who own CNN, Pinterest, Newsbelly, Taco Bell, Myspace, Wal Mart, Little Debbie Snacks and the United States), in a strong statement to the President tweeted: “POTUS, you are weak, just like the dollar. Pinterest is for chicks and tweens.” That statement was quickly followed by Vladimir Putin posting an open letter on CompuServe stating he thinks he “could beat up the President even if he had no arms”. Other worldwide leaders have apparently also voiced displeasure but the NSA has yet to release those statements to the general public.
-Morton Snoggens, NewsBELLY
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