Atlanta, GA - The American Dental Association, in a shocking admission that has sent waves all across the world of Oral Health, says that brushing your teeth is totally unnecessary and a complete waste of time on all levels. The story hit the news service wires late last night after a senior official was quoted at the National Dental Conference and Swap Meet in downtown Atlanta. The official quote, from a senior member of the ADA, was reported as follows:
"The American Dental Association has been keeping an ugly secret for years, and at this time the pressure to bare our souls and be honest with the American public is just too overwhelming to hold back any longer. Many, many years ago, two brothers named Martin and Xavier Frumpton, co-opted a plan to dupe the citizens of these great United States into thinking that their mouths needed to be 'brushed and cleaned' with a device that Martin created in his kitchen and that was made of a piece of wood with some floor brush bristles attached. This device is what has evolved into the modern day 'tooth brush'. His brother Xavier, who had been working as a Moonshine runner, admitted to his brother that sometimes, when he got large chunks of catfish stuck in his teeth and gums, he would drag fishing line between his teeth to loosen them, and therefore the concept of 'dental floss' was born simultaneously. The brothers Frumpton devised a plan where they would create these devices, spread propaganda regarding 'proper oral hygiene', as they deemed themselves experts of, and also created the world’s first Dental College, naming themselves the Dean and Vice President. They also gave themselves the official titles of 'DDS', effectively becoming the first dentists in the land.
After careful research and review of the brother’s notes and initial business plan it was discovered that the only reason they started the business was for monetary gained and to recruit 'as many suckers as possible into thinking a clean mouth equals dollar signs'. There was no clinical research, no testing, no studies, no control groups and no evidence whatsoever that the human mouth needed the invasive faux-science known as Dentistry. Obviously the ADA has been a party to this scam for far too long and has to finally admit that the average Dentist is nothing more than an overpaid mouth nurse. We are sorry for any confusion, and you may stop brushing now."
Reaction to the stunning admission was harsh and immediate.
"Are you serious with this s**t? I have been a practicing dentist for fourteen years and what I do is vital and difficult work. To think that the ADA, a group that supposedly has our back could admit such a thing is sickening. Of course, anyone with half a brain knows that a quick rinse of your mouth with some water is all anyone needs to have good oral hygiene but how am I going to pay for my Porsche Cayenne GTS if people stop coming?” asked local Dentist Marty Noobler. “I have six months’ worth of free toothbrushes and mini floss dispensers. What the f**k am I supposed to do with them now?”
NewsBELLY was able to obtain confidential documents from a source at the conference that contained private emails between Colgate, Crest, Aqua Fresh, AIM and Sensodyne laughing about the millions of dollars they were making off the unsuspecting public and apparently asking one another who’s turn it was to pay for the “Blue-Green Food coloring, common dirt, and expired Sour Cream” that all toothpaste is apparently made of. The Oral Care giants admitted they use one supplier in Georgia that has been making massive vats of what we know as “toothpaste” since the early 1900’s.
“Listen I don’t care what the ADA, reporters or any crockpot out there has to say because Dentists aren’t going away. We provide a vital service and are a big part of overall health and well-being for the average person, more so than they may even know. I can’t tell you how many times, while a patient is under Nitrous Oxide, I have provided free breast exams or cervical cancer screening and I’ve actually become quite adept at performing colonoscopy’s during lulls in minor oral surgeries. I don’t even charge extra for these services so, yeah…that’s how I roll.”
Numerous attempts were made to reach the ADA directly but we had no luck making contact. We also were faxed a “Cease and Desist Letter” from the top Toothpaste companies after repeatedly trying to question them about the documents we possessed. Tom from Tom’s of Maine actually personally assaulted our staff assistant, Wendy Snodblatz, while at the conference, repeatedly hitting her with a Tote bag from the Mentadent folks who had a booth set up at the event. Tensions remained high throughout the day and numerous conference attendees assured us they would fight the “war on Dentists” with everything they have as soon they all return from next week’s conference – Mouth Care Madness-an all-expense paid extravaganza for Dentists and Oral Surgeons in Costa Rica featuring performances by The Judds, Kenny Rogers, Michael Bolton and Slayer, and sponsored by Trident gum.
“I haven’t brushed my teeth in years, are you kidding me? I’m going to put a stick with prickly shit covered in gritty goop all over it in my mouth, really? The idea that it does anything to help us have cleaner mouths is preposterous, anyway. Lawyers and politicians make money lying to people so why can’t I, especially if it makes people feel good? I sleep fine at night, thank you very much. Except for my Sleep Apnea and Restless Leg Syndrome but that has nothing to do with a guilty conscience or feeling like I’m a fraud,” said an anonymous Dentist at the conference we spoke to. “Keep brushing and flossing people, I am putting in a sun room.”
NewsBELLYis continuing to research this story and will provide updates we get them.
-Darren Zillbunt, NewsBELLY
